I Think It's That Time

For me to go private. If you are a blog stalker that's more than OK. I just would rather know who is potentially reading my blog. If you would like to continue reading please email me.

efymandi{at}yahoo{dot}com

She's BACK!!

  SHE'S BACK!

Jade is back!!

I know I haven't updated in a while and I'm sorry. I have been so consumed with myself, work, and the homecoming of my long lost love, Jade Ozawa, and her arrival and return from Taiwan where she has resided for the past 18 months.

She arrived back home on Monday and I have been with her ever since. I will upload pictures and videos later. I just wanted to let you know I am alive... but I have been in Vegas since Sunday and I will be here for another week. 

Look forward to fun posts!

Surprise visits!

Ben Spies. The Texan Terror rider of Superbike.

This weekend I went to the Superbike World Championships at Miller Motorsports Park here in Salt Lake. ( Tooele to be exact). I got to be in the middle of all the hoopla. I was down in the pits for the start of the second race. How awesome!  And It was all thanks to this guy.
Oh how I love him! I know I recently blogged about him (see here) but I don't think I can describe enough how happy this man makes me.
How cute is that face? For the past ten years we have stayed friends. I have confided more in him than I probably have anyone else. 
I am so grateful to have such a wonderful friend in him.  He is such an amazing person and he really cares a ton about me. It was such a nice surprise for him to fly in last minute to Salt Lake, even if half the reason was to go to the Superbike Championships, he got me passes too and I know the other half of the reason was to see me. So I can live with 50/50.
What a fabulous weekend!

Roe vs..... Roe?

Ha.

I just found out that the lady "Roe" in Roe vs. Wade is now PRO-LIFE! Ha. She was led away in handcuffs today after a protest of President Obama speaking at Notre Dame.  

An excerpt from her book Won By Love says:

"I was sitting in O.R.'s offices when I noticed a fetal development poster. The progression was so obvious, the eyes were so sweet. It hurt my heart, just looking at them. I ran outside and finally, it dawned on me. 'Norma,' I said to myself, 'They're right.' I had worked with pregnant women for years. I had been through three pregnancies and deliveries myself. I should have known. Yet something in that poster made me lose my breath. I kept seeing the picture of that tiny, 10-week-old embryo, and I said to myself, Abortion--it brings out the kid in you! It's as if blinders just fell off my eyes and I suddenly understood the truth--that's a baby!

"I felt crushed under the truth of this realization. I had to face up to the awful reality. Abortion wasn't about 'products of conception.' It wasn't about 'missed periods.' It was about children being killed in their mother's wombs. All those years I was wrong. Signing that affidavit, I was wrong. Working in an abortion clinic, I was wrong. No more of this first trimester, second trimester, third trimester stuff. Abortion–at any point–was wrong. It was so clear. Painfully clear."^[4]

 HA! I never cease to amaze myself at the random and odd things I learn everyday by reading the news and researching things on the internet. Now I just wonder if she will flip positions again in a few years supporting abortion again.

I dunno... does anyone else find it ironic that the person behind the iconic and breakthrough case for abortion now fights hard against it? Hmmm..... interesting indeed.

Mt. Ogden

This past week has had its ups and downs. Friday morning was a huge up but by Friday afternoon it was a huge down. I was stressed and just wanted to go home. I had a golf date with a friend in Ogden. I hadn't been in years and couldn't wait to go but by the end of the day I just wanted to go home and lay in bed. I decided to suck it up and go. Well... Driving to Ogden from Salt Lake after work isn't fun as it turns out. It took me an hour to go 22 miles. I was NOT a happy camper. By the time I got to the golf course I just sat in my car for 10 minutes to try and calm down. I was so overwhelmed from the bad day/traffic.  I finally got out of my car and met my friend. It kind of sucked at first because I was stressed and it was apparent I hadn't golfed in years which was even more stressful. It wasn't soon before I was laughing at myself and enjoying being outdoors with amazing scenery, amazing weather, and being able to hit a ball. 

All in all, I forgot all about my troubles after golfing. I felt on top of the world, and I can't believe I let it go this long since the last time I went. I am definitely making more time for it in the future!! 

The view from one of the holes. Click on it for a bigger picture. It was taken from my phone so I guess that's why it is so small.

Dear Mr. President,

You are The President of the United States. You are the highest political official in the United States by influence and recognition.

I don't know if you got the memo... but you are NOT a stand up comedian. 

I have to say... I think you are funnier... and if you were in a movie I would go watch it... but everyday I swear I lose more respect for you. Somehow you just don't seem like the leader of the free world anymore.

Did anyone else see the Annual White House Correspondence Event tonight?

Are You My Mother?

I just wanted to say how much I love my mother! She is such a beautiful, amazing, and inspiring woman. I am so glad she isn't just my mother, but a great friend as well.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you mothers out there!!! 

And... Happy Mother's Day to the best mother ever... MINE!

Neighbors Make A Difference

I love my job.

I love my company.

I find joy in drinking my herbal tea from my Key Bank coffee mug every morning.

I am "Proud to be at Key" ( something we get evaluated on in our annual reviews)

It is important for me to work for a company that I am proud to work at.

When I applied for the position at Key Bank nearly three years ago I didn't know about them. Coming from the fabulous Texas First Bank I knew what it felt like to make a difference in the immediate community. Texas First Bank taught me what it meant to work at a community bank. I came to know so many local business owners and people in the community who came in all the time. 

 I learned to love banking and to teach people how to manage their money, and help them when they needed it.  TFB valued their customers and their community and they were such a large part of it. Just because I was in Utah I didn't see why I needed to work for a company that was any less involved in the community. 

But here was this company. Key. Never heard of them. (We don't have a "footprint" -as they call it- in Texas). I researched them online. I went to their website and looked up the philanthropy they do. When I got my first interview, a phone interview with an HR person at the corporate offices in Ohio, I interviewed HER. I knew I was a great bargain and that they would hire me with my background in banking and personal achievements, anyone would....so why should I pick THEM?!?!?  I was impressed and 2 face to face interviews later I was hired on.

I worked as an intern, sometimes 5 hours a day others two and a half. I never really participated in extra Key events because I had a ton of work to do and not nearly enough time to do it and I was a full time student with no time to spare.

Now that I am full time,  I decided to participate in our "Neighbors Make A Difference" day. I happened to be on the longest project. A Habitat for Humanity home that went from 9-3. Other projects were only 2-3 hours long and indoors. I arrived at the site hesitant. I am not one for manual labor. 

Jill Taylor, the PRESIDENT of Key Bank in Utah learned how to build rooms and the inside of a closet!! 

The day was nice and the company was amazing. I can't believe that my company paid me to go out in the community and improve it. Nationally 8,000 Key Bank employees volunteered. I am so impressed that I work for a company that committed so much payroll money in the year of one of the worst recessions, for employees to not be at work in a time when everyone is busy. It is only a few hours a year but how many other companies can boast that? Especially 19 years running!?!?! That means the world to me to be part of a company like that. 

Bankers become builders. Raquel rocks the nail polish, designer sunglasses, and popped collar as she secures the wall to the stud.

As I said, my project was Habitat for Humanity but nationally people volunteered at shops that make furniture for people that need it, animal shelters, homeless shelters, food banks, ymca's, habitat for humanity , schools, the list goes on and on....

It was fun to see a bunch of bankers become builders!!! What added to the great experience was that my bank sponsored the house we built. It is amazing to think that someone will have a house because of my bank. Because of the hours we put in, and the money donated, someone can have some sort of stability in their lives, more importantly, a place for their children to have stability. 

I am still on such a high. I have scrapes up and down my arms, my fingers are raw, my hand hurts, but I am on a high. I haven't felt better in a long long time.  I am grateful for wonderful organizations like Key Bank that realize banking is important, but so is the community your bank resides in!!! Even more, I am grateful I am a Key employee!!!

DLG

This picture was taken July of 2004.  Bonnie just tagged me in it earlier today and I have spent quite a bit of time today thinking about it.  Can't find me? Start at the  Top row... guy in red shirt on the right hand side. underneath him is a guy in a cap and grey shirt leaning on a girl that would be ME)

You can't tell from the picture but I was going through one of the worst times in my life. I was away from my fiance for a mere 14 days.  About two days into it, unexpectedly, while with this group of people, I called him and told him I didn't want to marry him anymore. I knew what I was feeling was right, but it came as such a shock.  

Five years later this is still such a shock to me. I didn't know I would make that decision until I made it. No one knows the whole story and I don't know if I will ever tell it. No, I never cheated. Some know most of the story but NO ONE knows what was the straw that broke tha camels back. Some things just stay special when kept to yourself, and it's fun to think back on it and smirk. I love that memory even though it was followed by months of pain and heartache. Well... needless to say.... it was a hard week. I had to do my best at putting on a smile and functioning as a normal person and a leader to the teenage kids at this conference. (This is a picture of all the counselors) 

Well, DLG, the kid in top right corner, in the blue with a girl on his back.... made the difference those 14 days when we had the rare opportunity to talk.  There are several things I remember but I will only share one. It was a Saturday, just  a few days after the break up and the kids were headed home which meant we as counselors were free for the day!!! DLG, JG, BH, JJ, and some girl who I don't remembers name ...Chelsea? I'm wanting to say??? decided to go cliff diving. We all piled into DLG's famous green Isuzu Rodeo and headed off onto our adventure. Well, we were playing and having a good time and my ex decided to call. I of course answered the phone for who knows what reason. I don't exactly remember the call but I remember for the first time in a year and a half of dating he was not nice. Not only was he not nice, he was downright mean. (to be halfway expected but this kid doesn't really have a mean bone in his body) Well DLG kept eyeing me in his rearview mirror as I "mmm hmmmed" "i'm sorry" and "yeah"d in his back seat. I did a pretty good job but as the 3rd summer at this conference I think everyone in the car took my silence as a bad sign. They knew me to be loud, and obnoxious, and talkative.  I can still remember heading North on whatever interstate that is next to Trinity University in San Antonio and seeing him not look at the road at all. He stared right into the rearview mirror and looked at me and said "Mandi, you are going to have fun today if I have to see to it myself."

And that's just the type of guy he was. We were decent friends for only spending 14 days a year together. We had nicknames but really, I was no one special...he was just that great of a guy that he would do anything to make anyone happy. He made sure I didn't think of my ex once that day. He had such endearing qualities. I swear... the more I think about him the more I love him.  

That was kind of it... The last hoorah. The next Saturday he was off to another state to be a counselor somewhere else and we lost touch. We weren't great friends and facebook and myspace weren't really what they are now... I think there was an email or two but that's it.  I heard through the grapevine a year or two later that he met a cute girl and got married. Just three short months after the announcement of his marriage I got an email informing me of his tragic death. It was a late night car accident just days after Christmas in which he was the passenger.  I believe his was the only fatality. I had to drive that stretch of road once when driving to Colorado. I was sick with grief the whole time. I understood why the accident happened and cringed everytime I saw a marker, wondering if it represented him...wishing I could go back in time and save him. He deserved to have a wife, and children..he would have been the best dad.

I'm rambling.  I just... I can't believe it. 4 years later and I still can't believe it. I am sure you could scour the globe and you would only find people like me, better off because they brushed paths with him once for a brief amount of time. 

All I know if that If I had never met DLG, or if I wouldn't have interacted with him that week...I don't know if I would have had the strength to NOT BE amanda bess bradshaw. I know I wouldn't have had the strength to go on that week. He silently lifted me and my spirits without even trying to. I can't speculate how things would have ended up but I know I wouldn't be here now...  Thanks dlg... you'll always be in my heart, even if I forget every once in a while.

Better Than Cupcakes

I am not a real sweet tooth kind of gal. But... every once in a while I crave a really good cupcake ya know? Or... a really awesome sugar cookie. As long as either is topped with almond buttercream frosting it really is like you are indulging on a piece of heaven. 

Well lately my mind has been indulging on a type of it's own cupcake. I am dreaming of a man whom I haven't met yet. He is brunette and has beautiful  eyes (yet to be determined) that pull you in from across the room. His hair looks like his just stepped out of bed and is slightly longer than his ears but not too much. His face is not shaved and has four days of 5 oclock shadows under his belt. Somehow it still looks incredibly attractive and what makes him even more appealing is the half smile he will smile that will melt my heart. His crumpled t-shirt and unwashed jeans should make me walk the other way but who is looking at his clothes? I'm hoping that his taste in music is superb and that he digs the Irish/folksy influenced stuff that has been spilling out of my speakers lately.

Yes... Yes... he has been in my dreams but I don't know who he is. Maybe if I actually socialized with the world instead of locking myself up in my room reading books and listening to music I would find him... 

In the words of Raquel Ramon... "Where the H is my hot man?!?!"

A Change of Heart?

I have been searching for the right words. 

So much has gone through my head in the past 7 days and I don't know how to explain it all.

You know how when you break a bone if you can get is set correctly it will heal back fine?

But if it starts healing wrong, sometimes the DR has to break it again, just so it will heal correctly.

Well... my heart was broken once but it healed fine. I think because I broke it myself so I knew how to put it back together. The last time it was broken, someone else did it. He was brutal and there were pieces strewn everywhere. I was too hurt to try and bring them back together and it never really healed. Or rather, it healed incorrectly.

I have been so closed off to everyone for the past year or two since that happened. He didn't deserve me thinking about him and since the day we last talked I haven't given him a passing notice in my thoughts until lately. And it seems in the past few days so many memories have come flooding back through dreams and other events that it has been painful. It is painful to think of the events that unfolded and slowly my heart has started to break again. The good news is that I know where the pieces go this time. I think it is healing. I am ready to attempt risking it again.

It took a lot for me to say that but I am glad I am possibly making a recovery.

Never Think by Rob Pattinson

I hesitate to share this.

Music tends to be a personal thing to me. I feel when people know my favorite songs they can then read into my soul, for the song will reveal it all.

This song is on the Twilight soundtrack.

And completely independent of the storyline, for the first time since I was 15,(& only the 2nd time in my life) a song of this nature caused tears to stream steadily down my face.

I won't relate what the lyrics remind me of but I will let you know that when I hear it my heart beats irregularly and I feel as it is about to break.

Even with that being said I almost can't get enough.

Never Think by Rob Pattinson

Dear Twilight Lovers,

I get it. 


xoxo


MandiScandal

McKensie Naomi

This girl turned 21 recently. For her birthday I took her out to eat... just me and her. We used to spend so much time together and ever since she met her stinky husband all she does is spend time with him! Well, I adore him and they make a great couple but I needed some time... just me and her. We went to Oasis Cafe and got to just talk like we have spent so many days and nights before doing. It was awesome and I felt like it was MY birthday because really spending time with her is a gift to me. Anyway... it was pretty fun. I decided since I wasn't really doing anything big to just play a game. I blind folded her and drove her downtown. 

She wasn't really a fan of the blindfold and she kind of was getting testy after about ten minutes in it but luckily we were around the corner from the resturant. I ordered virgin Bloody Mary's because she doesn't drink either but it was fun to just celebrate, eat, and have fun. The staff even brought her dessert! It was a great time

Utah, Land That I Love

So it is official. Old Blue no longer has Texas plates. The other day I broke down and got my Utah license plates... probably because I hadn't registered my car in like a good two years...but to my defense I have been trying to get everything straightened out to register my car since October 9th... too bad some people that work for the state are complete idiots and incompetant... I digress... Well, I don't know if it is the new plates on my cars or what but when I drive around lately my breath is taken away much more than usual at the amazing beauty I am constantly surrounded with. I asked Raquel last night.... " Is it just me or is Utah more prettier than usual?" To which she responded...."It's just you." I have a million pictures of sceneray I have taken in the past few days but here are just two.

Vegas - Backwards

   Well since posting from my Mac is much more time consuming than posting from my PC and I have no patience today you are going to get to see my Vegas trip backwards. Now that it has been a few weeks I don't really feel like talking about it but here are some pictures...

Welcome to Utah! I was asleep 60 seconds before this picture was taken but Rachel woke me up so that I could get a sign with it. Too bad she wouldn't pull over for the Welcome to Arizonia and Welcome to Nevada signs on the way down there!!
Me and the slow child sign.  Janelle has one of these in her garage to put out on the street when her children are playing. I thought it was funny... I mean... who has their own personal slow down thing? She does... apparently.
While most of the group stayed at Mandalay Bay I stayed with the Ozawas. Mostly so I could spend time with this little girl and the rest of the amazing family.
Some random picture of one of the guys at the club. Since I don't drink he kept buying me Figi water all night. He was super cool, from New York with an accent, and a chef. He wanted me to come over to his house the next day so he could make me lunch. I gave him a fake number.... Sorry!
 A horrible picture of Rachel and I.  This was in our VIP area. Our security guard took the picture. Too bad you couldn't see the whole outfit. Red heels black and white dress... I loved this night.
In N Out for lunch everyday in Vegas and I STILL lost two pounds. Probably due to the major dancing I did at nights but I like to attribute it to this amazing diet.
Everyone on the trip had sunglasses but I don't wear them. I was given a pair to wear so I would fit in with the group. I guess I am too cool for you to see my eyes.
Some of the group with Janelle at The Cracked Egg in Vegas.

sadness

my internet is being lame. more posts later. at least i have the picture uploaded to my computer now though... one step closer

Din Din

I have been trying to cook more often and eat less crap. Dinner has been so much fun lately.

On Cloud 9

I suppose it is time for me to update more. I have a few pictures I will post shortly. Things have been great. I keep thinking about Matthias. We talked for a few hours this past week and it was so great! Having him call and say he needed to talk to his best friend  when everything was going downhill was so flattering! Its been so long since we have talked and to know that I am still his best friend... that I will probably always be his best friend... it really makes you appreciate those who take the time to truly be your friend. I'm glad he still trusts me and knows I will always be there for him.

I was so frustrated the night before he texted me. I was tired of fake friends. Tired of those that used you... and the next day... I was proved wrong. There are so many crappy friends out there but there are always those three or four that make it good... that make all the crappy friends worth it, just to have those bright spots in life.  

I think those friends that go way back make it even more worth it. Because they were there when I needed them back in the day... and now we can just enjoy each other's friendship.

I dunno... I always used to say..."friends are the family you choose for yourself." and I still stick to that motto. 

My First Love

When I was 15 years old and a sophomore in high school I had a LOT of issues.  My parents and I fought non stop and I was battling teenage depression. Cute and pink on the outside but emo on the inside. That was me. I didn't feel like I had worth or purpose and my parents expected so much more of me than my high school counterparts were expected of by their parents. My sophomore year was a new year for me though. The second day of school, my first B day, and life on the main campus I walked into J building and found my history class. As I walked in I had to play it cool and not stop dead in my tracks for I had just beheld the most beautiful sight I had ever seen.  He was about 6'3, lean, dark black hair and the most amazing blue eyes that pierced my heart and melted my body. Reclaiming my body and trying not to turn into putty I sat down and as the class settled I could only thank my lucky stars that the teacher assigned us into alphabetical order putting this amazing specimen directly in front of me. I learned his name. Matthias. 

Matthias... oh how it sounded like the name of a God. As my 15 year old self drooled all over the desk I was in pure teen heaven. Backstreet Boys? N'SYNC? No thank you. Just Matthias.

As the short weeks passed I still thought he was the "finest" boy I had ever met but I worked up the courage to talk to him as well. I would even pass him on A days and a few times I would pass him a note as we went from class to class. I basically thought I wouldn't have a chance in hell to ever date him but I was so twitter-patted over him that I gave it my all. 

He was the reason I got up and went to school every morning. There would be days when I couldn't find the desire to open my eyes and face another day of living hell and knowing I would see his face, even if only for a SECOND got me out of bed. 

On one of my very first days driving I took him home after school. 

But... Matthias informed me a few weeks into meeting him that his parents had just bought a house in San Diego California and he would be moving at the end of the semester. The night before his last day I spent all night at the computer writing him a letter. The scene should be made into a movie. I felt it was a tragic occasion and I spent hours perfecting the letter and letting tears well up in my eyes. I saved it for the end of class. As class got out we headed down the hall I unzipped his backpack and slid the note in there. He caught me and almost yelled at me for touching his backpack.  I had given him every piece of contact information for myself. Newly acquired cell phone number free of the oversight of my father. E-mail address. Physical address... carrier pigeon number, number of the neighbors in case he couldn't reach me.... you know... whatever I could think of. Since it was the last class of the day I walked straight to my car and cried. I gathered my composure for a good half an hour, long enough to get home and then I locked myself in my room and cried and cried some more.

Well, he emailed and called me the day he got to California. We talked everyday for at least a year then the majority of the week for at least two more years after that. He was my best friend and I was his. (besides Darcy! Darcy saw all this happen first hand)He was my first love. He saved me so many times. He made me feel beautiful for the first time as a teenager. He told me how he had wanted to ask me out but knew it wouldn't be fair with him moving. I called him when I got my first kiss! He called me when he lost his virginity. Awkward...I know. 

Every accomplishment, failure, fear, annoyance, or whatever was shared late at night (Texas was two hours ahead of California) with the covers pulled over my body with each relaying the events of the day for the next several years. Decisions on which school to go to (me) and to not continue with school (him) were hashed out over courses of weeks weighing the pros, the cons, and the effect it would have on our health and spirit. He started my love for Yamaha R1's (that's what he had and to this day I still want one) below is a picture of him on his.

He hated that I was engaged so young but celebrated with me. He was on the other end of the line for an hour or more when I called him and told him I had called the wedding off. He sent me baby pictures of himself and for years his face throughout the years covered walls, desks, and everything else.There were always promises of visiting him in California but each was as empty as the next. As long as I lived in my dad's house I knew he would not permit me going to visit a boy. Once I moved out I didn't have an extra $400 for a visit. Although I never once "snuck out of the house" at night I did ONE time during the day.  It started early. I drove to Austin to see Matthias play a soccer game. I hadn't seen him in years and he was so close I couldn't resist it. We only had two or three hours together before I had to head back home. My parents would question if I was home later than 6. ( Don't retroactively ground me dad!) So... we walked around for a while and he and his dad treated me to sushi for the very first time. I owe them because sushi is my favorite now. He even took like a four hour detour once to stop in Houston once while driving cross country for his work so he could see me. It was a week before my 21st birthday. I  had night class and he came to school with me. He wrote me a note while he sat behind me. I uncovered the note just the other day. It was still in the pocket of my backpack after three years. It said

To My Bestest Friend in the World!!

Beautiful, Youre beautiful

as Beautiful as the sun!

Wonderful, youre wonderful,

as wonderful as they come!

Don't forget, I love

you very much Amanda.

He came back to my apartment and I was exhausted. We crawled into bed and I slept there with my arm around him all night. We never kissed, we never did anything, we just enjoyed each other's friendship. I felt safe with him. He is the first guy I said "I Love You" to though it was not an "I am IN love with you" type of thing but rather a, I trust you with my life type of an I Love You. We used to plan our 80th birthday party together imagining what it would be like to still be best friends and have his wife and his family and my husband and my family all around celebrating a friendship that lasted that long.

The reason tall men with dark hair and light eyes attract me is because it all started with Matthias. I fell in love with him and he became my best friend. I just don't know how anyone will ever replace him. He was the first love of my life.

And I lost track of him in the past year. Each year that passed we spent less time talking and it has been easily 12 months or more since I've communicated withhim. I have thought about him soooooo much in the past month looking for him on facebook or trying to find his number. And...

I got a text today from a California number asking if this was still Amanda's phone number. Good thing I didn't change it last week like I was going to.

It all started nine years ago....