When I was 15 years old and a sophomore in high school I had a LOT of issues. My parents and I fought non stop and I was battling teenage depression. Cute and pink on the outside but emo on the inside. That was me. I didn't feel like I had worth or purpose and my parents expected so much more of me than my high school counterparts were expected of by their parents. My sophomore year was a new year for me though. The second day of school, my first B day, and life on the main campus I walked into J building and found my history class. As I walked in I had to play it cool and not stop dead in my tracks for I had just beheld the most beautiful sight I had ever seen. He was about 6'3, lean, dark black hair and the most amazing blue eyes that pierced my heart and melted my body. Reclaiming my body and trying not to turn into putty I sat down and as the class settled I could only thank my lucky stars that the teacher assigned us into alphabetical order putting this amazing specimen directly in front of me. I learned his name. Matthias. 
Matthias... oh how it sounded like the name of a God. As my 15 year old self drooled all over the desk I was in pure teen heaven. Backstreet Boys? N'SYNC? No thank you. Just Matthias.
As the short weeks passed I still thought he was the "finest" boy I had ever met but I worked up the courage to talk to him as well. I would even pass him on A days and a few times I would pass him a note as we went from class to class. I basically thought I wouldn't have a chance in hell to ever date him but I was so twitter-patted over him that I gave it my all.
He was the reason I got up and went to school every morning. There would be days when I couldn't find the desire to open my eyes and face another day of living hell and knowing I would see his face, even if only for a SECOND got me out of bed.
On one of my very first days driving I took him home after school.
But... Matthias informed me a few weeks into meeting him that his parents had just bought a house in San Diego California and he would be moving at the end of the semester. The night before his last day I spent all night at the computer writing him a letter. The scene should be made into a movie. I felt it was a tragic occasion and I spent hours perfecting the letter and letting tears well up in my eyes. I saved it for the end of class. As class got out we headed down the hall I unzipped his backpack and slid the note in there. He caught me and almost yelled at me for touching his backpack. I had given him every piece of contact information for myself. Newly acquired cell phone number free of the oversight of my father. E-mail address. Physical address... carrier pigeon number, number of the neighbors in case he couldn't reach me.... you know... whatever I could think of. Since it was the last class of the day I walked straight to my car and cried. I gathered my composure for a good half an hour, long enough to get home and then I locked myself in my room and cried and cried some more.
Well, he emailed and called me the day he got to California. We talked everyday for at least a year then the majority of the week for at least two more years after that. He was my best friend and I was his. (besides Darcy! Darcy saw all this happen first hand)He was my first love. He saved me so many times. He made me feel beautiful for the first time as a teenager. He told me how he had wanted to ask me out but knew it wouldn't be fair with him moving. I called him when I got my first kiss! He called me when he lost his virginity. Awkward...I know.
Every accomplishment, failure, fear, annoyance, or whatever was shared late at night (Texas was two hours ahead of California) with the covers pulled over my body with each relaying the events of the day for the next several years. Decisions on which school to go to (me) and to not continue with school (him) were hashed out over courses of weeks weighing the pros, the cons, and the effect it would have on our health and spirit. He started my love for Yamaha R1's (that's what he had and to this day I still want one) below is a picture of him on his.
He hated that I was engaged so young but celebrated with me. He was on the other end of the line for an hour or more when I called him and told him I had called the wedding off. He sent me baby pictures of himself and for years his face throughout the years covered walls, desks, and everything else.There were always promises of visiting him in California but each was as empty as the next. As long as I lived in my dad's house I knew he would not permit me going to visit a boy. Once I moved out I didn't have an extra $400 for a visit. Although I never once "snuck out of the house" at night I did ONE time during the day. It started early. I drove to Austin to see Matthias play a soccer game. I hadn't seen him in years and he was so close I couldn't resist it. We only had two or three hours together before I had to head back home. My parents would question if I was home later than 6. ( Don't retroactively ground me dad!) So... we walked around for a while and he and his dad treated me to sushi for the very first time. I owe them because sushi is my favorite now. He even took like a four hour detour once to stop in Houston once while driving cross country for his work so he could see me. It was a week before my 21st birthday. I had night class and he came to school with me. He wrote me a note while he sat behind me. I uncovered the note just the other day. It was still in the pocket of my backpack after three years. It said
To My Bestest Friend in the World!!Beautiful, Youre beautifulas Beautiful as the sun!Wonderful, youre wonderful,as wonderful as they come!Don't forget, I loveyou very much Amanda.
He came back to my apartment and I was exhausted. We crawled into bed and I slept there with my arm around him all night. We never kissed, we never did anything, we just enjoyed each other's friendship. I felt safe with him. He is the first guy I said "I Love You" to though it was not an "I am IN love with you" type of thing but rather a, I trust you with my life type of an I Love You. We used to plan our 80th birthday party together imagining what it would be like to still be best friends and have his wife and his family and my husband and my family all around celebrating a friendship that lasted that long.
The reason tall men with dark hair and light eyes attract me is because it all started with Matthias. I fell in love with him and he became my best friend. I just don't know how anyone will ever replace him. He was the first love of my life.
And I lost track of him in the past year. Each year that passed we spent less time talking and it has been easily 12 months or more since I've communicated withhim. I have thought about him soooooo much in the past month looking for him on facebook or trying to find his number. And...
I got a text today from a California number asking if this was still Amanda's phone number. Good thing I didn't change it last week like I was going to.
It all started nine years ago....
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