DLG

This picture was taken July of 2004.  Bonnie just tagged me in it earlier today and I have spent quite a bit of time today thinking about it.  Can't find me? Start at the  Top row... guy in red shirt on the right hand side. underneath him is a guy in a cap and grey shirt leaning on a girl that would be ME)

You can't tell from the picture but I was going through one of the worst times in my life. I was away from my fiance for a mere 14 days.  About two days into it, unexpectedly, while with this group of people, I called him and told him I didn't want to marry him anymore. I knew what I was feeling was right, but it came as such a shock.  

Five years later this is still such a shock to me. I didn't know I would make that decision until I made it. No one knows the whole story and I don't know if I will ever tell it. No, I never cheated. Some know most of the story but NO ONE knows what was the straw that broke tha camels back. Some things just stay special when kept to yourself, and it's fun to think back on it and smirk. I love that memory even though it was followed by months of pain and heartache. Well... needless to say.... it was a hard week. I had to do my best at putting on a smile and functioning as a normal person and a leader to the teenage kids at this conference. (This is a picture of all the counselors) 

Well, DLG, the kid in top right corner, in the blue with a girl on his back.... made the difference those 14 days when we had the rare opportunity to talk.  There are several things I remember but I will only share one. It was a Saturday, just  a few days after the break up and the kids were headed home which meant we as counselors were free for the day!!! DLG, JG, BH, JJ, and some girl who I don't remembers name ...Chelsea? I'm wanting to say??? decided to go cliff diving. We all piled into DLG's famous green Isuzu Rodeo and headed off onto our adventure. Well, we were playing and having a good time and my ex decided to call. I of course answered the phone for who knows what reason. I don't exactly remember the call but I remember for the first time in a year and a half of dating he was not nice. Not only was he not nice, he was downright mean. (to be halfway expected but this kid doesn't really have a mean bone in his body) Well DLG kept eyeing me in his rearview mirror as I "mmm hmmmed" "i'm sorry" and "yeah"d in his back seat. I did a pretty good job but as the 3rd summer at this conference I think everyone in the car took my silence as a bad sign. They knew me to be loud, and obnoxious, and talkative.  I can still remember heading North on whatever interstate that is next to Trinity University in San Antonio and seeing him not look at the road at all. He stared right into the rearview mirror and looked at me and said "Mandi, you are going to have fun today if I have to see to it myself."

And that's just the type of guy he was. We were decent friends for only spending 14 days a year together. We had nicknames but really, I was no one special...he was just that great of a guy that he would do anything to make anyone happy. He made sure I didn't think of my ex once that day. He had such endearing qualities. I swear... the more I think about him the more I love him.  

That was kind of it... The last hoorah. The next Saturday he was off to another state to be a counselor somewhere else and we lost touch. We weren't great friends and facebook and myspace weren't really what they are now... I think there was an email or two but that's it.  I heard through the grapevine a year or two later that he met a cute girl and got married. Just three short months after the announcement of his marriage I got an email informing me of his tragic death. It was a late night car accident just days after Christmas in which he was the passenger.  I believe his was the only fatality. I had to drive that stretch of road once when driving to Colorado. I was sick with grief the whole time. I understood why the accident happened and cringed everytime I saw a marker, wondering if it represented him...wishing I could go back in time and save him. He deserved to have a wife, and children..he would have been the best dad.

I'm rambling.  I just... I can't believe it. 4 years later and I still can't believe it. I am sure you could scour the globe and you would only find people like me, better off because they brushed paths with him once for a brief amount of time. 

All I know if that If I had never met DLG, or if I wouldn't have interacted with him that week...I don't know if I would have had the strength to NOT BE amanda bess bradshaw. I know I wouldn't have had the strength to go on that week. He silently lifted me and my spirits without even trying to. I can't speculate how things would have ended up but I know I wouldn't be here now...  Thanks dlg... you'll always be in my heart, even if I forget every once in a while.

Better Than Cupcakes

I am not a real sweet tooth kind of gal. But... every once in a while I crave a really good cupcake ya know? Or... a really awesome sugar cookie. As long as either is topped with almond buttercream frosting it really is like you are indulging on a piece of heaven. 

Well lately my mind has been indulging on a type of it's own cupcake. I am dreaming of a man whom I haven't met yet. He is brunette and has beautiful  eyes (yet to be determined) that pull you in from across the room. His hair looks like his just stepped out of bed and is slightly longer than his ears but not too much. His face is not shaved and has four days of 5 oclock shadows under his belt. Somehow it still looks incredibly attractive and what makes him even more appealing is the half smile he will smile that will melt my heart. His crumpled t-shirt and unwashed jeans should make me walk the other way but who is looking at his clothes? I'm hoping that his taste in music is superb and that he digs the Irish/folksy influenced stuff that has been spilling out of my speakers lately.

Yes... Yes... he has been in my dreams but I don't know who he is. Maybe if I actually socialized with the world instead of locking myself up in my room reading books and listening to music I would find him... 

In the words of Raquel Ramon... "Where the H is my hot man?!?!"

A Change of Heart?

I have been searching for the right words. 

So much has gone through my head in the past 7 days and I don't know how to explain it all.

You know how when you break a bone if you can get is set correctly it will heal back fine?

But if it starts healing wrong, sometimes the DR has to break it again, just so it will heal correctly.

Well... my heart was broken once but it healed fine. I think because I broke it myself so I knew how to put it back together. The last time it was broken, someone else did it. He was brutal and there were pieces strewn everywhere. I was too hurt to try and bring them back together and it never really healed. Or rather, it healed incorrectly.

I have been so closed off to everyone for the past year or two since that happened. He didn't deserve me thinking about him and since the day we last talked I haven't given him a passing notice in my thoughts until lately. And it seems in the past few days so many memories have come flooding back through dreams and other events that it has been painful. It is painful to think of the events that unfolded and slowly my heart has started to break again. The good news is that I know where the pieces go this time. I think it is healing. I am ready to attempt risking it again.

It took a lot for me to say that but I am glad I am possibly making a recovery.

Never Think by Rob Pattinson

I hesitate to share this.

Music tends to be a personal thing to me. I feel when people know my favorite songs they can then read into my soul, for the song will reveal it all.

This song is on the Twilight soundtrack.

And completely independent of the storyline, for the first time since I was 15,(& only the 2nd time in my life) a song of this nature caused tears to stream steadily down my face.

I won't relate what the lyrics remind me of but I will let you know that when I hear it my heart beats irregularly and I feel as it is about to break.

Even with that being said I almost can't get enough.

Never Think by Rob Pattinson

Dear Twilight Lovers,

I get it. 


xoxo


MandiScandal

McKensie Naomi

This girl turned 21 recently. For her birthday I took her out to eat... just me and her. We used to spend so much time together and ever since she met her stinky husband all she does is spend time with him! Well, I adore him and they make a great couple but I needed some time... just me and her. We went to Oasis Cafe and got to just talk like we have spent so many days and nights before doing. It was awesome and I felt like it was MY birthday because really spending time with her is a gift to me. Anyway... it was pretty fun. I decided since I wasn't really doing anything big to just play a game. I blind folded her and drove her downtown. 

She wasn't really a fan of the blindfold and she kind of was getting testy after about ten minutes in it but luckily we were around the corner from the resturant. I ordered virgin Bloody Mary's because she doesn't drink either but it was fun to just celebrate, eat, and have fun. The staff even brought her dessert! It was a great time

Utah, Land That I Love

So it is official. Old Blue no longer has Texas plates. The other day I broke down and got my Utah license plates... probably because I hadn't registered my car in like a good two years...but to my defense I have been trying to get everything straightened out to register my car since October 9th... too bad some people that work for the state are complete idiots and incompetant... I digress... Well, I don't know if it is the new plates on my cars or what but when I drive around lately my breath is taken away much more than usual at the amazing beauty I am constantly surrounded with. I asked Raquel last night.... " Is it just me or is Utah more prettier than usual?" To which she responded...."It's just you." I have a million pictures of sceneray I have taken in the past few days but here are just two.

Vegas - Backwards

   Well since posting from my Mac is much more time consuming than posting from my PC and I have no patience today you are going to get to see my Vegas trip backwards. Now that it has been a few weeks I don't really feel like talking about it but here are some pictures...

Welcome to Utah! I was asleep 60 seconds before this picture was taken but Rachel woke me up so that I could get a sign with it. Too bad she wouldn't pull over for the Welcome to Arizonia and Welcome to Nevada signs on the way down there!!
Me and the slow child sign.  Janelle has one of these in her garage to put out on the street when her children are playing. I thought it was funny... I mean... who has their own personal slow down thing? She does... apparently.
While most of the group stayed at Mandalay Bay I stayed with the Ozawas. Mostly so I could spend time with this little girl and the rest of the amazing family.
Some random picture of one of the guys at the club. Since I don't drink he kept buying me Figi water all night. He was super cool, from New York with an accent, and a chef. He wanted me to come over to his house the next day so he could make me lunch. I gave him a fake number.... Sorry!
 A horrible picture of Rachel and I.  This was in our VIP area. Our security guard took the picture. Too bad you couldn't see the whole outfit. Red heels black and white dress... I loved this night.
In N Out for lunch everyday in Vegas and I STILL lost two pounds. Probably due to the major dancing I did at nights but I like to attribute it to this amazing diet.
Everyone on the trip had sunglasses but I don't wear them. I was given a pair to wear so I would fit in with the group. I guess I am too cool for you to see my eyes.
Some of the group with Janelle at The Cracked Egg in Vegas.

sadness

my internet is being lame. more posts later. at least i have the picture uploaded to my computer now though... one step closer

Din Din

I have been trying to cook more often and eat less crap. Dinner has been so much fun lately.

On Cloud 9

I suppose it is time for me to update more. I have a few pictures I will post shortly. Things have been great. I keep thinking about Matthias. We talked for a few hours this past week and it was so great! Having him call and say he needed to talk to his best friend  when everything was going downhill was so flattering! Its been so long since we have talked and to know that I am still his best friend... that I will probably always be his best friend... it really makes you appreciate those who take the time to truly be your friend. I'm glad he still trusts me and knows I will always be there for him.

I was so frustrated the night before he texted me. I was tired of fake friends. Tired of those that used you... and the next day... I was proved wrong. There are so many crappy friends out there but there are always those three or four that make it good... that make all the crappy friends worth it, just to have those bright spots in life.  

I think those friends that go way back make it even more worth it. Because they were there when I needed them back in the day... and now we can just enjoy each other's friendship.

I dunno... I always used to say..."friends are the family you choose for yourself." and I still stick to that motto.