Oh Heavens

Where do I even begin to start? I really hope this isn't a long blog. I was told about four days ago that I needed to update but I just have not had the time. I have been busy and then my parents flew in on Wednesday and I have been entertaining them ever since. I apologize. There might be several posts over the next few days. OK...let's get started shall we?



I am grateful for wonderful friends. My friend Sasha and I went to lunch the other day and I absolutely loved it. I love when I get to go to lunch with Shanna or Kens or Matt or any of my good friends. Going to lunch breaks up the day and seeing a great friend makes it that much better. As Sasha was telling me all about his girl troubles he interrupted himself for a second and mentioned that I was such a de-stressor in his life. He said he felt really comfortable around me and never felt judged. I have thought about this comment a lot since then. I don't think I am a de-stressor to everyone. My parents tend to be stressors to me and in turn I know I was a definite stressor on them that very same day when they flew in....but it is good to know I am de-stressor to some people. My goal is to eventually be a de-stressor to everyone! It was a great compliment and I am going to try and live worthy of it.

After my post about Logan I decided I needed to order the last three seasons of Gilmore Girls where he makes his appearances. It has taken me four very long nights of fast forwarding through the boring parts but I am finally done with the first season he appears in. UGH! Seriously, you are more than welcome to make fun of me becuase I am totally smitten with him. Why can't I live in the fictional world? Hmm.... one season down...two more to go. OK so I don't love Logan but I am smitten with him. Besides....I think it is impossible for me to ever love someone so .... a girls gotta have someone right?

Another quick note. I got my Utah driver's license on Thursday!!!! WOW! I can't believe it! I finally gave in. It was time. I tried to register my car as well but there were problems there. That will come shortly. I feel so official in Utah now. There are still times when people will mention a city or an area and I will have no clue where that is but for the most part I really feel like Utah is home. Sometimes I feel like I have lived here my whole life. As I was playing hostess to my parents I was driving them all around the city and taking them to different places and suddenly as I took a short cut and then hopped onto I-80 to bypass some traffic I realized this was home. I flashed back to January 2, 2007 when my old roommate Amber and her boyfriend Adam picked me up from the airport. My eyes were red and I am sure I had black tear stains on my face from mascarra. I had cried the whole plane ride home because I didn't know what I was doing in Utah. My whole life was in Texas. My friends were there, my family was there, my memories were there....and I had nothing in Utah. I had no friends other than my roommates and their boyfriends and I had no clue how to go anywhere that was not on campus. Going home to Texas and being able to navigate through all of Houston and the surrounding area and seeing friends made me wonder what I was doing in Salt Lake. As Adam took I-80 home from the airport back to mine and Amber's apartment I started to cry again. I had no clue where we were and I felt horrible. And now here I am....almost two years later and I made it. I have friends, I know my way around the city, I have a great job with great co workers and I basically have another family. (though they will never replace my own family) I feel more at home here than I do anywhere else.

This is home.

Amazing Weekend

There are so many things to blog about. Just some highlights.

The Utes barely pulling a win against Oregon State last night. Louie Sakoda is my boyfriend. What an amazing kick he pulled the last TWO SECONDS of the game to break the tie and give us a victory! College football is amazing. Even more amazing is getting to spend the game with girls.

Today at work I was exhausted and definitely not dressed to impress. We were sponsoring a concert for a charity and LeAnn Rimes was the singer. I had decided not to go but a coworker at the last minute asked me to go with her. Her date had a family emergency come up. So... I got to work until 5:30 finishing up a project and then went to the dinner and then on to the concert. I am so glad I went! She did an awesome job! After she left she came back on for an encore and sang two more songs. The last one was Amazing Grace. I cried. That is what I call a great concert! I felt happy during some songs, like a rock start at other songs, sad/in love at other songs and finally spiritual and grateful for God on the very last one!

As we got to our seats (row 15) we were kind of early. A man and his "posse" politely excused himself in front of me while trying to shimmy past me. The rows are not wide at all. I stood up, let him pass and realized I knew him. I couldn't quite place it. He sat down a few chairs over from me and the lady next to me asked me who that was. I responded I didn't know. She was like... I feel like I am supposed to know him. At that moment I knew who it was. She immediately said... I think I have seen him on TV and when she said that it solidified my thought. It was Robert D. Hales. I felt a little celebrity sticken to be quite shamefully honest. Excuse me Mr. Hales...shouldn't you be getting your shut eye for conference tomorrow? I guess not. The concert started at 8 and got out at 9:30. Besides singnig a song about women needing a good friend and a glass of wine nothing at all was inappropriate. It is funny how I scrutinzed the event once I knew a religious leader was there. Good to know I am partaking of good clean entertainment! HaHa. On the train ride home I happened to stand next to him as well. He and his wife were so adorable. Everyone was packed in and one person got up to let them sit down but they stayed standing. They shared ONE hand thing (you know the handles at the top that you hold on to?) and he said it was like they were young and dating again. Really cute. Anyway....that's my weekend. I guess I should go to bed because after the game I partied and I haven't slept. I am tired! I hope your weekend is as amazing as mine has already been!

I am In Love. Completely in Love

With whom you ask? Well there is just one little problem.... he doesn't really exist. But...with...him.




No. Not with him specifically but with the character he played on Gilmore Girls. Didn't that end like two seasons ago you ask? Yes. But I religiously watch the reruns if I am home and we just got to the season where Logan makes his appearances. He steals my heart everytime. Ugh. Mr. Darcy and Logan Huntsberger are the only people who have stolen my heart since I was born (besides Trey in pre-k but seriously. A 4 year old who dresses HIMSELF?!? That is irresistable to another 4 year old).

Sure I have feigned attraction on several occasions and love on two others but let's be honest. The only men who have ever had my heart are Mr. Darcy and Logan. Oh how I wish I lived in fantasy land on a more regular basis than I do. Please don't mind me.I am going to go to bed and dream of men that don't exist.

To: House Republicans From: Me

Seriously?









That is all I have to say. Good day sir. I said GOOD DAY! (please imagine me slamming a door and walking off in a huff.)

My Parents

*re posted. Originally posted September 28,2007 I love you guys!


My Wife
Trusty, dusky, vivid, true,
With eyes of gold and bramble-dew,
Steel-true and blade-straight,
The great artificer
Made my mate.

Honour, anger, valour, fire;
A love that life could never tire,
Death quench or evil stir,
The mighty master
Gave to her.

Teacher, tender, comrade, wife,
A fellow-farer true through life,
Heart-whole and soul-free
The august father
Gave to me.

-Robert Louis Stevenson

I have often thought of this poem. I love it so much. Today I would like to dedicate it to my parents. What a humbling experience it was as I walked to work today from the parking garage to the building and as I saw the Salt Lake Temple I was so grateful for two young adults, thirty years ago today, who traveled over a day in the car from Houston, Texas to Salt Lake City, Utah to get married. No doubt scared to make one of the biggest decisions of their life and without a single family member there with them. As I walked, I took a moment of silence, and just imagined my mom and dad " John & Mirtia if you will" (Jade has inspired me to call everyone by their first name but I digress) walking up to the temple. What were they thinking, how did the city look... did they walk around temple square the night before? As I took my moment I swear I could see them walking there in front of me hand in hand and I wanted to wave. My mom was so beautiful and bodacious just as I always dreamt she was. My dad I imagined (but it was so real to me) was stern but cool. A man I hardly recognized even in my own imagination. They were so young with no kids. I wanted them to turn around and see me, I wanted to run to them and see them as JOHN & MIRTIA not mom and dad. I wanted to see them as people. I wanted to tell them all that thirty years would bring. Alas they kept walking and as I continued walking into the building they seemed to fade away into thin air. I kept walking and I secretly longed for them to be here thirty years later to recreate history and to help me in making history. They are my strength.

Mom & Dad, I know I have told you before but I am extra grateful today as I think of thirty years of marriage. I know it has been hard but I am grateful for all that you have each individually and as a team done for me. Happy Anniversary!

Jessicca Holly Dub

***warning. extremely long post**

It is past midnight and I have already been asleep for well over four hours. I guess that is why when I woke up I can't go back to sleep. Many people who know me know that my memory is crap. I don't remember lots of stuff. I don't really care. I never pay attention to the details in the long run and I don't really mind that I don't remember what happened eight hours ago much less eight years ago.

Randomly as I have been trying to fall asleep the past week as I lay there in bed on the verge of dreamland I will remember events that happened in elementary and junior high. Fun times. Things that really made me happy. I have been prompted to write them down so there I am at midnight grumbling as I emerge completely from any sort of chance I had at sleep and fumble around in the dark to find a pen and something to write on.

"Empty cable switch that left a hole in the wall. We used to roll up notes long and circular to pass to the classroom on the other side."

"Veronica's mom used to come to pick her up from school to go shopping. I was envious because even at the age of seven I wanted a sexy name that started with a V. I thought it was sexy because I thought V's were very hot to write."

"First grade track and field theme was Sneed's startrackers"

"looking up at my frist grade teacher mrs. sneed and feeling like she was ten feet tall."

The list continues....

I don't know why I am having all of these memories or where they are coming from. I mean they are all insignificant. However, there are sticky notes all over my desk and hopefully I will get to journaling more in depth about those memories soon.

Tonight however I can't sleep.Instead of remembering good times I am haunted by my one regret. Anyone who has ever asked me if I had any regrets in my life knows I carry just one. This is really for the sake of me writing it and hoping I will be able to sleep after this. Feel free not to read it. It might be long and it really has no point. Of all my life experiences I don't regret any of them except one. Let's get started shall we?

I was a weird child. I am a weird adult. There is no secret there. I blame it all on my parents really. J&M were different kind of parents and we lived in a different kind of neighborhood. If you can call it a neighborhood. While there are many residential developments in the city I grew up in there is this one block out in the middle of nowhere (well at least it was nowhere 20 years ago when we first moved there-eww....I can't believe I am old enough to say that. sick) Anyway. There were mostly geriatric people that lived in this secluded piece of block. Each house mostly laid on close to an acre of property if not more. The houses were still pretty close together we just had expansive backyards and such. I believe there were six or seven other houses with kids between these four streets that formed a block but we were different ages and it wasn't really conducive to us playing in the streets. We all just played in our huge backyards I suppose. And I , well I had four siblings so I guess I spent most of my time playing with them. I really couldn't tell you. I don't remember. Any other children that lived in the city lived miles away. Not really easy to get to when you consider a 6 year old has no transporation. Crossing major highways by yourself isn't really allowed.

Anyway, this is all to set up the stage. Each school year I looked forward to school. Not friends. I made tons of friends but we only hung out during school. I didn't really care I suppose. The school bell would ring and I would get on the bus and head home. Others would make plans to play after school or call each other but not me. It was time to head to the casa where I would be for another evening. I do remember very vividly sitting in the hallway of Walter Hall Elementary waiting for my bus. This kid in my class Elisandro asked for my number. He was a babe. Every girl in second grade wanted him to be their boyfriend. Except me. I was 8 and knew I had another 8 years before my dad would let me date. That was the fact of the matter and I took it VERY seriously. I never tried to sneak around or rebel. Well....Eli as we used to call him, asked for my number. I wouldn't give it to him. He then proceeded to lunge over me and grab the tag attached to my backback. Amanda B. C. Address..... PHONE NUMBER. 332-001....quick! He and "his boys" each memorized a portion and wrote it down. Good teamwork boys. I immediately burst into tears. Please don't call me! Please! My dad will kill me! My dad won't understand! Please don't call me! The fear of being physically punished flashed through my mind and I might as well have been screaming bloody murder in the hallway. Well if that wasn't attractive I don't know what was....needless to say he never called.

After that day I remember kids thinking about me a little differently. They knew never to call me because I lived far away but now they really wouldn't call. The girls anyway! Well....about a year after that incident I started 4th grade. (it was at the end of the year in second grade.) That is when I met Jessicca Holly Dub. I had forgotten until this second that she had two c's in her name. See how all the memories just come flooding back? Well...Jessicca and I were kindred souls. I had never met someone I actually cared about and that was so much like me. I WANTED to play with her after school. Normally I went to school, came home, slept, repeat. I didn't care about the kids at school. In fact Until high school I had a game I played that I pretended I didn't know anyone when I Came back for school after the summer had ended. I mean...it had afterall been a few months since I had last seen everyone. I was too cool for them. Well...Jessicca. I can't even remember. In efforts to make this post a little shorter we were best friends. The first one I had had. Fourth grade year was bliss. My parents even took me to her birthday party and she came to mine. ( I wrote Jessicca Holy Dub on her birthday card and she kept saying how Holy she was and teasing me becauseI spelled her name wrong. ) She got me a board game. The game of Life. We were in a class play and I remember my mom came. It is the only event I think my mom ever went to my whole 12 years of being in school. Jessica's mom went as well. I remember them talking. Her mom wore a scarf on her head and I remember thinking it was weird for a second and then never really thought more about it.

In fifth grade they changed the boundaries and my block and the neighborhood that was closest to me had to switch schools. That meant three fifth graders would now go to a different school. Jessicca was one of them and they put us in the same class. Life could not have been sweeter! Our friendship developed and I believe on the rare occasion my parents would let me go to her house. It was only three or four times the whole year because they did have to drive me there but it was about a five minute drive so it wasn't bad. That summer I remember I even got to go to softball practice with her and her dad! J was crazy insane and I was NEVER allowed to go places with just people's dad. I remember feeling like I had won the lottery or something. This time when I went to her house I remember there was a bed in the formal living room right as you walked in. We had to be quiet because her mom was sleeping and not feeling well.

So...sixth grade comes along and Jessicca and I are STILL best friends. We are now on the same bus and we were the only sixth graders who got to sit in the back. I believe we were the second to last seat on the left hand side. We were already so cool for sixth grade and basically inseperable. Well....one day at lunch the counselor came to get her and she was gone for the rest of the day. This is where it gets tough. This is where I feel like I want to cry. Later on that day I got pulled out of class. As her best friend they found it their obligation to tell only me and the teachers that Jessicca's mom had passed away that morning. I cried. I was in shock. I had no idea her mom was even sick. I was so naive. Who had ever heard of cancer as an 11 year old? Surely not me. Well.... I told a few kids later on that day. The counselor gave me the funeral information but I felt I couldn't go. I mean after all...Jessicca had not invited me. She had never even told me her mom was sick. Who was I to show up in her personal out of school life? I remember I came home and told my parents. Want to know what they said or did? Nothing. No one explained to me that her mom had been sick. No one said let me take you to the funeral. No one did anything. So I did nothing.

One of Jessicca's neighbor's found out about the funeral and went. I remember them talking about playing around at her house after the funeral and I felt very envious. I wanted to play around too! Darn! I should have gone! (This is where I could slap my former self). This was early 6th grade. I don't exactly remember when. All I can remember is that shortly after Jessicca's mom died they went on some sort of vacation. She got one of those long thread things they braid into your hair. It was in tehre for a while. I thought it was absolutely disgusting. Also, she was going through puberty and she started to smell and get hair in her armpits. She didn't shave and I even more.... I thought....this girl is disgusting. No once for a second did I think, hey, this girl just lost her mom. Maybe her dad doesn't know how to deal with a girl who is getting her period and has to start shaving and all that stuff. Instead I thought....SHUN HER! So I did. She was cramping my style. I was soooooooooooooo mean to her. Incredibly mean. I stopped talking to her. We sat together on the bus and one day we got into an argument and I wouldn't let her sit on the aisle or near the window or whichever side was the cool side. I don't remember. I told her she couldn't sit with me anymore. I used to hang out in the orchestra room before school because she couldn't follow me unless she had an instrument. One day someone snuck her by and she came in to give me my christmas present. Nail polish. I grudingly took it and then we had christmas break. I don't remember talking to her after that. Not until high school. It turns out Jessicca was incredibly good at sports and actually surpassed me in popularity the next year. I still pretended I didn't know her.

And I can't believe that I wasn't there for her. I can't believe that when she needed her best friend most I was mean to her. In my defense I think my parent's should have stepped up and explained a few things to me because kids are cruel but it was still my fault. My parent's didn't shun her. I did. It has been nearly twelve years since the incident and for the past six it has haunted me at night more times than I would like. It almost brings me to tears everytime. I mean I am a horrible writer and I can't even convey the way I behaved. What is so ironic is I can't ever remember being outright mean to anyone else like that in my whole entire life. Why on Earth would I treat my best friend who needed me like that? Looking back I just think of how life could have been different. And too many times I wish I could go back to sixth grade and be the friend she needed. I have had a lot of life experiences and none of them do I ever wish I could redo. I hated my life growing up and I hated my parents. I hated my existence. Everday was hell for me. And even knowing that, if I could go back to one point in my life and redo life all over again I would. I would go through another seven years of hell to be the kind of person I should I have been. But going back knowing what I know now, I would make different choices and I know for sure I wouldn't be here in Utah. I wouldn't be friends with Sarah Anderson and Kens and Jade and so many of the people I know and love now. Is it worth it? I mean.... how do you answer that question? I don't suppose I will ever be able to forgive myself for that. I suppose I shall be haunted by that for the rest of my existence. But hey...eternity isn't that long right?

Guilty Pleasures

Today was Crappy. (notice the capital c) Anywho... what started off horrible ended greatly with guilty pleasures.

1) Soy Milk
I count this as a guilty pleasure because I pride myself on not wasting money and soy milk is so darn expensive when compared to regular squeezed from the cow milk. However, it is so dang good and for no other reason than, " I LOVE it" I drink it. I went and got two half gallons tonight. Why don't they sell it in a gallon? Hmm.... yummy vanilla soy milk.

oh was I drooling? Sorry! That was awkward.

2) Dancing in my car to absurd songs.
On my way home from purchasing said soy milk Katy Perry's latest hit came on the radio. Yes, I did squinch together my lips & eyebrows, and moved those shoulders and bobbed my head like NOBODY'S business!
Even though I was confined to my car and driving defensively and safely (are you listening State of Utah? I am about to get my drivers license from you and you better not give me trouble about it) in my heart I was holding a hairbrush as a microphone and hopping around my room in my underwear. Yeah... most people would imagine they were in front of a large crowd but seriously, if I were in my underwear in front of a large crowd that could be VERY embarrasing!

It's your turn. Dance monkey. DANCE!

Nie Nie

I have a confession. I internet stalk about three people. All three of them are people I have never before actually met. I blame it on Katherine really. She mentioned someone once and so I started reading person A's blog. Well, one day person A mentioned someone else so I started reading person B's blog. Well....about three months ago person B mentioned someone ELSE and thus it became that I was not the avid reader of blogger a, b, and c. Well... Blogger C just seemed too good to be true! She was perfect in every sense of the word. Gorgeous, talented, amazingly adorable children (one of which was the cutest red head you ever did see), perfect husband....blah blah blah. Reading her blog brought happiness to my day. It was inspirational really. And then... and then a few weeks ago it was posted that she was involved in a bad plane crash. Her husband got his pilot's license and they were flying and who knows what happened but one person died and her and her husband were badly burned. They have been in the hospital for weeks and will probably continue to be there for a while.It appears I should not feel so bad because I wasn't the only anonymous blog stalker. There were apparently hundreds of us. When she died everyone reached out and has done fund raising or contributed money to a paypal account online. Don't think it is a scam...the news has been all over it. Her dad is in Utah politics and her mom is a council woman for Provo. The siblings have even been on the Today Show and in People magazine because so many people have been talking about this. Well...her sister keeps her site updated and they repost odd blog entries of hers. If you are having a bad day, or even a good day, maybe you should check out her blog. It is really inspirational. My favorite is the one about leaving notes all around the city for strangers. She really had the right outlook on life and I aspire to be 1/4 of the person she was/is. I can't really say more...you just have to look for yourself.

The Nie Nie Diaries

C Jane (her sister)

August Blog of the Month

** Items in rust color are links and can be clicked on

It has come to my attention that I have not yet posted August's Blog of The Month.

I totally had a blog in mind and it was going to win August's BOTM until just a few days ago. I guess it unfairly goes to this person because the posts have been in September but I really want you guys to check it out. This is my second award due to photography skills but BRANDT wins this month. Hmmm.....his lovely and beautiful wife Christina was my very first BOTM. Good thing they don't have children who blog because that would just be amazing and they for sure would win subsequent BOTMs. HaHa.

Anyway, Brandt just posted a bunch of pictures he took around everyday Chicago and I think they are absolutely amazing. What I enjoy most about this series is the way he got me to look at things differently, from HIS point of view. They are absolutely amazing in my opinion and I think you should check him out NOW.

I don't just post these for fun, I think y'all should really check out these bloggers. Just a quick recap of previous month's winners.

May- Mrs. Christina B.
June- Mr. G Smith
July- Mr. Dave K.
August -Mr. Brandt B.

** Items in rust color are links and can be clicked on

September 9, 2008

I can't think of any better way to describe how I feel today other than this photo and this song.

Four Things

I was tagged. I hate these kind of things but because I love Hailey I am doing it.


Four Random Things I Would Like My Future Husband to Emulate/Have
1. Mr. Darcy's ardent love for Elizabeth
2. Gordon B. Hinckley's humble desire to serve the Lord and honor his priesthood
3. Patience and a calm temper
4. Education

Four Jobs I Have Had
1. Cashier at Tuesday Morning
2. Cashier at Johnson Space Center Houston
3. Teller/Teller Supervisor at Texas First Bank
4. Investment Management at Key Bank

Four Movies I Have Watched More Than Once
1. What Happens in Vegas
2. Pride & Prejudice (the newer one with Kierra Knightly)
3. My Best Friend's Wedding
4. The Labrynth

Four Places I Have Lived
1. Houston Texas
2. League City Texas
3. Texas City Texas
4. Salt Lake City Utah

Four TV Shows I Have Watched
1. Gilmore Girls
2. What I like About You
3. The Secret Life of an American Teenager
4. What Not to Wear

Four Places I Have Been Most Recently
1. Church
2. Miles & Wyatt Petty's House
3. Rice Eccles Stadium for the University of Utah game
4. The Greek Festival

Four People who [Facebook] you Regularly (I altered this one because I don't really email these days)
1. Miles
2. My brudder
3. Ethan Joshua Michal Leavitt
4. Jordan Weed

Four Favorite Foods
1. My grandmother's potato soup
2. My mom's Chicken & Dumplings
3. Tamales
4. Sushi

Four Places I'd Like To Visit
1. My family in Houston Texas
2. Spain
3. London
4. Kula Lumpur

Four Things I Am Looking Forward To This Year (I'm counting Aug 2008-Aug 2009)
1. Christmas with my family
2. buying my Nikon
3. Jade coming home from her mission!!
4. Possibly buying a house!!!

Four things I want to do before I die:
1. Take an amazing photo that takes people's breath away
2. fly a plane
3. Make an amazingly beautiful cake
4. Fall in love again

Four people I want to fill this out: (fill this out if you want but I am not tagging anyone)
1.
2.
3.
4.

A Train Wreck

I need a hug. One that lasts an hour.

If A Picture is worth A Thousand Words...

then I don't really need to blog today now do I?

Quick Thoughts

I seriously have so much I want to write but I haven't been home for more than thirty minutes since ...last Thursday? I don't know. Something crazy like that. Talking to a friend tonight he for some reason brought up being jaded. I really want to expound more on this topic but this is what it made me think of

1) I miss Jade like crazy. You have no clue. I live for her weekly letters proclaiming her love for me. 2015 baby! E-mails are great too but in her letters she is more herself. A year and a half to wait for a girl to come home from a mission seems like ETERNITY.... eight months down ten to go!!! It gets closer everyday.

2) I have spent the past four years of my life jaded. I just don't know what I would do if I weren't. I don't even want to think about it. I have tried giving up the bitterness and hating guys... it just doesn't work. Don't get me wrong they are GREAT as friends...

Euphoria

That can adequately describe how I am currently feeling. I love when school starts again because it means everyone comes home for the summer. Tonight was seriously one of the best nights I have had in a LONG time. I saw so many good friends. My heart was truly happy. I think I even proposed to about 15 different people because seeing them made me want to see them everyday for the rest of my life. My friends are worth their weight in Gold. I love them.

Confessions of a 23 year old tired girl

I am exhausted. I was at a friends house and drove home fully intending to immediately crawl into my soft, cool sheets and pass out from exhaustion. Instead I got several texts back to back and I pulled into my garage and walked up the stairs and decided to check Google reader before bed. There was a post of a cartoon on a somewhat negative aspect of my religion. The blog said everything in it was true according to my religion so I decided to watch all seven minutes. Needless to say that was the furthest statement from the truth, I am a little more awake and decided to blog since I was already signed in.

My sheets await me so this might be short. I had quite possibly the worst day of my life Wednesday night/Thursday. I don't want to go into detail. It was just awful. I have never felt so scared and upset and helpless and not in control and... a million other feelings. As I was trying to deal with the situation at hand and as tears are softly streaming down my face I immediately wanted a particular person to be with me in that situation. I felt if that person was there everything would be better. And for a moment, the situation at hand was put on pause because I had shocked even myself with this thought. I quickly snapped into reality but that thought has been haunting me since. I knew I was fond of this person I just didn't know how much.

I will continue to pull myself away. I do it with everyone, everytime. I am too afraid to get hurt again, I am too afraid to be rejected. Ultimately, that is what happens and I would rather pass on that.

Sleep anyone?

A Variation In Themes

This is a variation of blog of the month. It is my blog and I can break the rules if I want. Some of you may remember THIS blog where I talked about the great day I had with the Smith family. Well, yesterday was another one of those days and it really was the highlight of my week. I hadn't seen McKensie in a few weeks and when you spend most days with someone and then don't see them for a while it can seem like ETERNITY. It doesn't help that she is head over heels for a boy and is spending increasing amounts of time with him! Agh! I hate when my friends phase me out of their life for boys they will probably end up marrying...but I digress. I was glad to get to lay on her patio again and talk about life and boys and church and our plans for the future. As I talked to her again this morning she said as her and her boyfriend talked last night about things they were grateful for she listed me, and good friends. I in turn would like to list HER in my things I am grateful for list.

I moved to Utah because I had no friends or family here and wanted to meet new people. The fact that I am shy at first didn't work too well for me. I spent most days holed up in my on campus brick slab of an apartment on the internet talking to friends from back home and my boyfriend in Maryland. I didn't do many outside activities and while I met people I did not feel confident enough to put myself in their lives. I felt uncomfortable. My life continued that way for about seven months until one day I got a call from McKensie. She told me she was going to have a birthday dinner and that she wanted me there. What?!? My first real invitation to hang out with someone other than roommates? Did she call the right person? I barely KNEW the girl! Well... that my friends was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. From that day forward we spent a lot more time together.

If you reference back to that post, that was the first time I had spent all day with her family. For the past year and a half I have spent many nights over there and many consecutive days. Fall semester of '07 I basically lived there. I never spent much time with her family though. We stayed in her room and talked and lurked about the house at odd hours. Since posting that blog I spent the majority of the Sundays over at her house after church and until dinner and I feel just as comfortable being sarcastic with her family as I would be with mine. Her older brothers have never for a second treated me like anyone other than family and I believe it has everything to do with the way SHE treats me. She invites me to family events and always makes me feel welcome. ALWAYS. One kid asked us if we were best friends. I have thought a lot about that question in the months since it was asked. She is more than that to me. She is family. I tell her everything. I know that I may make her mad or she will make me mad but at the end of the day it doesn't matter because we will never stop talking to each other. Families are forever and so is our friendship.

I love you Kens! You gave me the courage to be myself here in Utah. The Scandal would never have come to light if you hadn't helped! You are beautiful, talented, an amazing resource, have an awesome laugh, and the greatest ability to be a friend. You seriously are so amazing and I hope you don't EVER forget how much I cherish you in my life!

Lost in Translation

I have had Citizen Cope's Let The Drummer Kick in my head for the past month at least. I don't know if it is the repetitiveness or the steady beat that speaks to my heart or what but there it is, automatically on play in my mind whenever there is a down moment. As I looked it up on youtube today I was surprised at how many different ways it was interpreted and I feel that is how it is with my words lately. I say one thing and it is interpreted five hundred different ways. It makes me feel out of control of my own thoughts and feelings because if they cannot be communicated effectively then what is it worth? Enjoy.

I Come From A Long Line Of Love

Last post for the night. ( I have barely posted the past month and then I post three times in one night?!?) My friend Samantha asked me to go to her friend's reception tonight with her because we were supposed to hang out. On our way out I was looking at the pictures and there was a poem. Tears streamed down my face as I read it. I was a little surprised because I don't normally get that emotional when I read stuff. I guess it has a lot more meaning to me but I thought I would share it with you. I googled it just now and it appears it is actually lyrics to a song by Michael Martin Murphey. Enjoy.

A LONG LINE OF LOVE
Bought a beautiful diamond ring,
Offered it to the sweetest thing, I know,
And she said she would take it!
Started making some wedding plans,
She looked at me and she took my hand, and said,
Are you sure we can make it?

I said, My granddad’s still in love with my grandma, I said,
My dad still thinks my mom’s the sweetest things, he ever saw
I come from a long line of love,
When the times get hard, we don’t give up.
Forever’s in my heart and in my blood,
You see, I come from a long line of love.

Years went by and we had a son.
Now he thinks that he’s found someone, for him,
And they’re planning a wedding.
He called me up on the phone today,
Just to see what I had to say, to him,
Did I think he was ready …

I said what his grandfather used to say to me,
It’s been handed down for ages,
It runs in the family
You come from a long line of love
When things get hard, we don’t give up.
Forever’s in my heart and in my blood,
Son, you come from a long line of love.
We come from a long line of love.

I am a Centrist....no suprise there

So... One of my sister's friends found my blog. I decided to check hers out. She surprisingly (to me) has a lot of political stuff on her blog (read... I might have found August's Blog of the month because we all know I love me some controversy!) . I guess it should be surprising because she is now 22 ( my sister likes to deduct quite a few years from her age and her and Michelle are the same age... so 22 it is...) and I don't think I have seen her since she was about 16 or 17. Anyway, she had this quiz on there. I pretty much knew where I stood but I decided to take the test anyway. I thought it would take forever but it is only like 6 or so questions and took about 15 seconds if that. I really think it fits me to a T. We all know I hate blanket statements, the two party system and I absolutely LOATHE both presidential candidates. If it weren't for the fact I greatly value my ability to vote ( only Heaven knows why because seriously with this system your vote means crap....but still) I would not vote at all. Will I vote? Yes. Do I already know for who? I am pretty sure but like this quiz says it depends. I still want to hear all the debates but seriously.......SERIOUSLY? Of all the people that live in this great country these were the two we picked to represent us? This is an absolute JOKE. Anywho... In case you wanted to know my political views.... here they are in a nutshell. I am a centrist. Forget the nut job liberals.. forget the closed minded conservatives.... making your decisions based on the issue is the only way to go! To take the quiz just click here.

Your PERSONAL issues Score is 50%.
Your ECONOMIC issues Score is 40%.
(Scores falling on the Centrist border are counted as Centrist.)

According to your answers,

the political group that
agrees with you most is...

.

CENTRISTS espouse a "middle ground" regarding government control of the economy and personal behavior. Depending on the issue, they sometimes favor government intervention and sometimes support individual freedom of choice.

Centrists pride themselves on keeping an open mind,

tend to oppose "political extremes," and emphasize what

they describe as "practical" solutions to problems.