Hi

I've been wanting to start blogging again lately but I can't think of much I want to share with the world. However, today was pretty epic. I recently ordered a print from Roma Winkel on Etsy and it came in the mail today.

I literally squealed with excitement I don't know how many times. Now I just need to find a suitable frame.  I'm so lucky to know so many talented people and call them my friend. Isn't this the greatest reminder to let go of yourself and serve others?

I'm always angry and depressed so I pretend to be so happy and cordial. I don't know how much more I can handle. I pretty much only listen to imagine dragons these days. Today though seemed like more than I could handle when this song came on while driving home from work I just started crying. out of NOWHERE.  I've heard this song hundreds of times over the past few months but today it seemed to know just how I was feeling. I can't breathe. I can never breathe. I want it to go away.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZcC7vDFzbQ

Try to hear my voice
You can leave, now it's your choice

Maybe if I fall asleep, I won't breathe right
Maybe if I leave tonight, I won't come back

I said it before, I won't say it again
Love is a game to you, it's not pretend
Maybe if I fall asleep, I won't breathe right

Can nobody hear me?
I've got a lot that's on my mind
I cannot breathe
Can you hear it, too?

You kiss and you kiss
And you love and you love
You've got a history list and the rest is above
And if you won, you can't relate to me
From the floor to the floor
And the sky to the sky
You've got to love and adore and the rest is a lie
And if you won, then you can't relate to me

I said it before, I won't say it again
Love is a game to you, it's not pretend
Maybe if I fall asleep, I won't breathe right, right, right

Can nobody hear me?
I've got a lot that's on my mind
I cannot breathe
Can you hear it, too?

Leave your shoes at the door, baby
I am all you adore, lately
Come with me and we will run away

Can nobody hear me?
I've got a lot that's on my mind
I cannot breathe
Can you hear it, too?
Can nobody hear me?
I've got a lot that's on my mind
I cannot breathe
Can you hear it, too?

Father's Day Cupcakes

I was in charge of dessert for dinner on Sunday, Father's Day. Since the Smith clan is made of 4 sons and 1 daughter I decided it should be a grand occasion. I made these babies for dessert. They were a ton of fun to make and even better to eat. I got the recipe HERE. I tweaked the icing recipe a bit  but everything else is as is. MmmMmmmMm

Dear McKensie Naomi Smith Wilkinson

Dear McKensie,

I cherish your dedication to continue to check my empty and vacant blog. I'm pretty sure you are the only one that still checks this. I don't even pay any attention to it. And that's what I love about you. I love that you find significance in things I devalue.

I feel like there isn't much I could say about you or to you that I haven't already repeated about a thousand times. I feel like a proud older sister. I remember when I first met you, and I was 22 and you were 18. I remember thinking how immature you were but how full of life you were; I vowed to be a little more like that because I was way too stuffy at that point in my life. We didn't have much in common but you reached out to me and made me feel needed and wanted. I can never thank you enough for that. As time grew I learned to relax and a bit and you matured a bit and somewhere over the years we've met perfectly in the middle. You've been my go to person all along. Remember the time my parents and sister came into town and they yelled at me and made me feel like crap? I called you up late at night and I still remember walking into your dining room and you pulled me in close as I cried and cried and cried into your chest.  Anytime I needed a ride to the airport I didn't even have to question who would take me. You packed my bags with extra goodies to enjoy on the plane and you always updated me with the recent goings on.

I can't believe how much you've grown up and gone through. I feel honored to be a spectator in your life. Remember when I got into your car and you had grapes in a paper towel from the breakfast your mom had packed you? You had spent the day driving around instead of going to school. And the time I walked to your work from my house because it was just across the street? We played on the white board changing your name to whoever's last name you had been on a date with at the time. Just a few short weeks later I remember you telling me about this boy Matt who had asked you out. I had just been on a date with a boy named Matt a few days prior and worried it was the same one. It was not. You raved about this "tall dark and handsome" man who came to pick you up in a HONDA!!! You were so worried it was going to be a car you hated but it wasn't.  I watched you fall in love with him, I was there during your bridal portraits, and I was there in the room the day you were sealed. I was mad as hell when you took 17 hours to come out of the temple after your sealing on that bitter cold January day and vowed to make everyone wait in the cold for me if I ever got married. The moment you came out of the temple all annoyance disappeared and I loved you more than ever for marrying a wonderful man in the temple. I couldn't believe my ears when you told me you were pregnant and I couldn't believe my eyes the first moment I laid them upon Henry. He was the most perfect child I had ever seen.

Kens, you are my sister. I sometimes sit at work and want to shove all my papers in the air and walk out to go to your house and lay on the ground and let Henry spill my water everywhere and get into my purse as we chat about everything and anything. I have NO clue how we never ever EVER run out of things to talk about.

In the past few months since G has passed away I freak out a lot more internally. I'm constantly questioning my mortality and that of those around me. Please don't ever leave! I'm pretty sure I could never recover from that. I'd have to move states and start all over again and pretend you aren't a part of my everyday life. Even then I don't think it would fix anything. You, your little family, and your entire family, are such a light in my life.

I feel like the stupidest person writing all of this. Does it even make any sense?

All I want to say is thank you for being there. Thank you for making me feel loved and important on times when I felt no one else in the world felt that way about me, including myself. You are the best friend anyone could ask for and definitely one of the best sisters.

you are the: sugar sugar, sugar plum, love you more no battle, avril lavenge kind of great.

Snowballs

I'm fighting sleep. I'm tired but I feel like a child, resisting going to bed.

I don't want to go to church in the morning and I have no idea why.

I had a dream last night that it was snowing and I had to go to the bathroom. Luckily there was a toilet. So, naturally, I dropped my pants and peed in public. The boy I liked ran up and threw a snowball at me. I laughed in my dream. I laughed when I retold the dream...but the more I think about it the more I think of how true it is.

I keep getting snowballs thrown at me.

Will it ever stop?

Project 31: Day 9 The Office

My job has its ups and downs but one of the ups is for sure my co-workers. I laugh multiple times every single day. Today one of the people who work in my office decided to leave his tie on the door to make sure to let people know he was not to be interrupted...you know...like back in his frat days. 

Just another reminder, if you follow this blog, please follow my new blog.

New Blog!!

Hey guys! I thought about going public but decided this blog is going to be put back to private. Follow me at my new public blog!!!

ilivedeliberately.blogspot.com


Same great Mandi, more happy posts!! :D

What am I thinking?!?! [dreaming?]

I dream very vividly almost every night. I often remember them well into the next day btu after I go to sleep I forget about it. I think we all remember my David Archuleta dreams that came to fruition just a few short months later. This next dream I am going to tell you about won't be happening anytime soon; mostly because it took place in Old Testament times. Sunday we talked about Isaac and Rebekah and arranged marriages. We talked about all the wonderful qualities Rebekah had as well. 

Welp, fast forward to Sunday night and I'm dreaming about how wonderful life could potentially have been if I lived in the time of Rebekah and Isaac. Next thing you know, I'm there. All the sudden I am completely stressing out that my husband will be displeased he ended up with me because I am not as charitable as Rebekah and not as feminine as her. (feminine? That's my own take on it. I am much more liberal than Rebekah and I guess I equate submissive to feminine.) Anyway.... I woke up around 4am in a complete stress. That's the second time this week I've been stressed about my dreams so much it has woken me up. 

Before I went to bed I was reading in Daniel 6 and contemplating the statements there. The presidents and princes couldn't find a single fault against Daniel. Not one! How awesome would it be to be so righteous that someone would have to forbid me to pray to find a "fault" in me. Don't get me wrong... I'm not envious he was thrown in a lion's den... but I think he was a pretty awesome example. 

My first year of seminary we covered the old testament. I remember sister aldous declaring that there was more drugs, sex, war, and rock and roll in this book that most people realized. It's true. They are great stories, but more than that it is a great teaching and learning tool. One that testifies of Christ and a Heavenly Father and supreme creator. Don't get me wrong, I love the Book of Mormon and think it is completely necessary, but the Old Testament pretty much rocks, even if it has incredibly horrendous grammar. 

Random Thoughts

I hung out with Raquel last night. We made homemade salsa, put in a movie, and I was asleep shortly after. The next thing I know it is 4am. I drove home and as I was falling asleep in my bed I could only think in some sort of asian language. I was speaking pretty fast [in my head- not audibly] and the funny thing is I have NO IDEA what I was saying. It was almost like two different parts of my brain. I remember vividly thinking " I wonder what I am saying- if anything. It sounds like jibberish (that was thought in English)" while I was thinking in another language ( I'm guessing it was Japanese though there were a FEW Chinese phrases...it sounded more like Japanese) ODD...right?

Also, I can't seem to stop listening to Sufjan Stevens in the past 24 hours. I love him.

Apricot Girls

Because if I don't upload now, it won't get done until a year from now.

My roommates (L-R Annie, Me, Jon (not a roommate though he does receive mail at our house), and Laura) dressed up as Bachelorettes for Jon's character themed birthday party. Do you like his outfit? He is Flash Gordon. LOL.

I had so many great posts planned in my head

And the moment I go to write them down they are gone! I don't know which is better, to only write when I have an eloquent thought or great story or to write all the time with the mundane facts of life. I think mundane is much more interesting. 

Paradox huh?

So, I borrowed a few books from my co-worker Zac to study for the CFA exam. He inter-officed them to me (he works for my company but out of our Portland, OR office) and I got them today. I was going to sit for it in June until I realized how costly it is. I'm procrastinating the day of my examination until December. If I am going to pay $1500 for a test, I better pass it!!! So, will someone remind me once in a while that even though I am not in school I need to study? I WILL have my CFA designation in 3 years.... (the power of positive thinking right?!?!) Even though some of the smartest men I know never did make it past level II. (Zac was one of them). After three years they give up. There are three levels and you can only take one test once a year.... ugh.... I NEED to do this. Piece of cake... I'm brilliant....right?

My friend Rachel just submitted her 40 page application to sit for the bar. This should be a walk in the park compared to that....right?!?!? Or...maybe it's worse because I haven't had three years of preparation for this test! Ag!! 

And While We are Talking About Babies....

Isn't my nephew Carson so sweet?

His tummy looks much bigger than it actually is, but he is a tiny tiny little thing...He is 2 and wears 12 months clothes. He loves any sort of ball, and always has a smile on his face. I absolutely adore him.

Matthew Jay

I got to see Matthew Jay and his B-UUUUUU-TIFUL family  a few weeks ago when he was passing through town. 

His daughter Adolina was one well behaved happy little girl that calmed down to the Joseph smith soundtrack on her mom's phone.... crazy.

Baby Henry

Well now that Henry is almost officially a month old I don't feel bad posting pictures. I wanted to give his parents plenty of bragging time before I posted pictures or talked about him.

There he is inside of his mother, just waiting to come out.


Most of you should know who McKensie is, and if you don't know her name... you obviously haven't been reading my blog or have ever talked to me on a semi frequent basis. She gave birth to her first born on Sunday January 31st. I was thrilled as Baby Henry is the closest thing I have to a nephew here in Salt Lake.

Wait. Rewind... I was thrilled because baby Henry is first nephew here in Utah now!

See those lashes?!?! He's already a heart breaker!

My Roommate Laura

So, one of my most favorite roommates I've ever had was a college roommate Laura W. She introduced me to scrubs, pistacio pudding, Sandy, UT, and many other things; like the fact incest is the new threesome (joking). Laura is one of my most favorite people ever.

Well, some of you may know that I have moved AGAIN, for the third time in 6 months. With a new place comes new roommates. It has only been a week but I adore these girls so much already. Annie, because she is soooooo much like myself (is that vain? I don't care...she's awesome) and another roommate by the name of Laura. (which she actually blogs about, and phew, I'm glad I have a preference of calling people Lah-ra and not Lor-a)

Well, I've been blog stalking Laura and I feel weird because I am in the same house as her, listening to her talk in the other room, and reading her blog at the same time. I would like to share with you some of my favorite posts. She is so incredibly witty and an amazing writing. If only I could articulate my witty thoughts the way she has in these posts. Please read them, and enjoy.

A phone conversation she had with her grandmother

And

a post about her beamer

and FRIENDING Old Testament characters on Facebook!!!

among the many that made me laugh out loud.

I have a feeling I am really going to like it here.

Ol' Blue

So remember this love note that I wrote to Ol Blue a while back?

It's so hard to believe... but she has gone away to another good owner now.

When I bought Fancy Nancy (the car, not the books) back in July I just couldn't bear to part with Ol Blue so there she sat for 8 months while I drove Nancy around. I would wave at her on occasion and say hello. It was only after my 3rd move in 6 months that I started to wonder where I was going to continue to store her. There just was no room. I finally decided that she deserved to be loved and driven on a daily basis, so I cleaned her up and onto KSL she was listed. Many people ooohed and awwwwed over her but it was the father of a 26 year old girl much like myself that finally won her love, and mine. I allowed him to purchase her from me.

I nearly cried when I signed that title over.

Ol' Blue has been with me through thick and thin and she has seen it all. She was there when I was in high school, she met all the boys I dated. She sat there quietly and listened when I pulled off the side of the road and cried a few times over the heartbreak and frustrations of the day. When I was departing on my adventure from Houston to Salt Lake City, she was there...every mile, holding my life possesions in her trunk. She heard my shouts of excitement when I drove past the Rice Eccles stadium with the banner displaying "home of the utes" for the first time. She never left my side when I was lost and frustrated. She was always, always there. The one constant in my life.

I know many of you may think she was just a car....but really for a long time she was all I had. My life was lived in her. That car holds so many memories and so many wonderful things were experienced and realized while I was in her. It is sad to see her go, that's all...

Cute little design!

My wonderful beautiful talented friend Emily created a new logo for me. I'm going to commission her to redo my blog all together but for now this is going to be my header. If you are reading this on reader, make sure to click on my page and check it out... then comment on her blog to tell her how wonderful she is. Seriously. do it. I told her I needed her to redo my page. The first thing she did was this. Everyone used to tease me because I would say, "My name is Mandi, with an I." So people would call me Mand-eye.  OR, Man-Die. Either way, this logo made me laugh.

I made a chicken alfredo pizza on Sunday that I got from her recipe. It was amazing. You should probably go read her blog and follow her. She's amazing.

Thanks for making my life so wonderful this week Em!!!

Actually, I am not sure if her blog is private or not. If it is...I know you would have done it anyway.

Why Do I Enjoy Being Beaten?

So, I have a few good posts coming up for you guys but I wanted to post quickly. I have had little to no sleep in the past 72 hours. Between not feeling well ( i know, shocker) and work...it has been a fun week. I worked from 8am-midnight last night and I put in about another 13 or 14 hours of work today. I have a huge client presentation due on Friday and with the changes that are being made it is taking me some time to get everything done. The thing is, as exhausted as I was, as much as my body has been pleading for sleep all day... I enjoyed it a bit.

I came home dragging from work, and carrying papers in my hand to finish some stuff I didn't need the computer for and decided to change and head straight to the gym. At the gym I pushed myself hard and beat myself up.

Why is it that I feel good after these things? Work is long and hard this week but this is when I feel the best. Working out and training for this half marathon has been long and hard but I feel GREAT when I come back from the gym.

It has made me think about what feelings are generated and why we feel good after these things. There are a whole myriad of explanations I have but I have to get back to work so I can finish and go to bed. Just wanted to jot down these thoughts before I forgot.

HAPPY 300TH POST TO ME

As I went to post, I saw that it is my 300th post!! YAY! I feel like I should do a giveaway or something...but this is a private blog... and I'm poor...which is the point of this blog.

I've never been poor. EVER. Like, EVER. There were times in school where I had like $5 in the bank account but I had everything I needed and I had just bought clothes and blah blah blah....but now I'm poor because I'm done with school, still working at the same job, and student loans are due...and I'm sorry but I aint got $500/month to pay them back at the current moment. This is all fine and dandy while I buy time with defferments but sooner or later they are going to be due and I have to start saving for it.

So, in an attempt to watch my spending I have decided not to spend any extra money in the month of February. I saw the idea off of someone else's blog but I can't remember where or I would link you to that. The idea though is to only spend money at the grocery store and on bills. I never realized JUST how much money I spend. Thursdays are quite often Hawaiian Haystack Thursdays at the Church office building with a few of my favorite girls who are in my ward and work for the Church. Wednesdays are New Food Wednesdays with Jade and that group of friends. Most Friday and Saturday mornings involve a Starbucks run. I just declined an invitation to the Jazz/Lakers game for $35/ticket with a group of my friends, lunch with coworkers, and dinner invitations for the month. That being said I still have birthday/ wedding/ baby/all sorts of gifts to buy this month.

So... I'm poor, and as my roommate Raquel said about me choosing to not spend any money this month. "At least when you are poor you can go out and have fun with your friends...but if you aren't spending any money...you are going to be poor and alone. "

So, this is going to be a lonely month. Maybe I'll blog more... but if it saves me a few hundred dollars....it'll be worth it...right?