Sigh... because I haven't updated...

So I have had several requests to update my blog. I haven't updated because I've felt really negative lately. No one likes a negative blogger. That, and I've had swine flu for the past week. It has been a hard week for me for sure. I wasn't feeling well for a few days and finally decided to go to the doctor's before heading home for the holidays. I was vomiting, running a fever, freezing cold, extremely dizzy, and sooooo much more. I knew I had to have it checked out but I never guessed it was the swine flu! And to think... I had been to work for the previous two days because I thoughtI was just being a baby. Once home I slept most of the time. I sure am glad I decided to spend hundreds of dollars to come and sleep on an uncomfortable day bed instead of being in my own bed asleep... I felt like a stranger in my own home town. Everything has changed. Everything is bigger. There are freeways everywhere and stores everywhere and I hate it. It looks trashy, and dirty, and cluttered. I hate it.

I was only awake for about 45 minutes on thanksgiving day. Friday was about the same. I slept for so long that I decided I would not take my medicine for my birthday because I wanted to be awake. It was the wrong decision. There were several nice people that decided to send me text messages and facebook messages but with the exception of two people... my best friends and those closest to me, those that REALLY know me... failed to acknowledge me and to top it off my own family was rude to me. Bottom line, being awake and sick only intensified all my feelings and anxiety of waiting for people to call that never called. I should have slept!

I take that back... My parents were great!!!! They took me to starbucks and then to sushi for my birthday. My siblings were another story. I decorated my own cake and when it came to my birthday dinner no one acknowledged me or said happy birthday. It was one awkward unhappy birthday for sure.

So on top of the fact that I felt about ten minutes away from death, I felt very alone in a house full of strangers with no connection to the outside world. I felt forgotten, uncared for, and alone and it was the worst feeling I've felt in a long, LONG time. I went to my room and silently sobbed for quite some time.

I felt tired when I finally stopped crying. I wondered why I spend time and money and energy on people who couldn't take ten seconds out of their day to send a simple text message or even a facebook remark when people who barely know me found the time! This really was quite the pity party that finally made me raging mad.

The next day brought some happiness and clarity. Maybe it was the fact it was the sabbath day. I love Sundays. I realized that everyone is on vacation and of course I am the last thing they are thinking about. It doesn't matter that I've thrown people parties or that I've gone out of my way to make their day special.... this is NOT a competition and friendship is not conditional. All I wanted was to be remembered and acknowledged and I know that when/if these people remember.... they will feel bad. And you want to know WHY they will feel bad? BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T MEAN IT . No one meant to forget me and my siblings are generally really amazing to me. No one intentionally set out to hurt me... and if that is the case, why was I mad? You are a fool if you are offended over something that was never meant to be offensive. Even more importantly is that I am constantly grateful for the wonderful people that surround me. They do wonderful things to me every single day, and every single day feels like Christmas. If it isn't a call or a text or a random treat.... it is something infinitely better. So you see, if people are nice to me 99% of the year...does it really matter that they missed ONE day of my life? I would think not.

The overall negative attitude has stayed with me, but I really do feel a lot better. And furthermore, this was not pointed at anyone. I know if you read my blog I trust you to read it. It means I care about you and I know you sincerely care about me too! So... thanks for reading my blog. And thanks for letting me talk about my negative attitude.